Dear Friends,                                                                                                                       I was there to witness God’s great work in Lane’s life.  I can only tell you that God does all things well.  He redeems, transforms, and grants us our hearts desire–when our heart is aligned with His heart.Trust him with your heart in this season of Valentine’s, as well as every season.  He’s got you!                                                                                          Sara

Gifts, Faithfulness and the Rest of the Story  by Lane Yoder

You may be asking yourself, “What are these gifts of singleness?” I learned that one of the greatest gifts of singleness is the opportunity to spend seemingly unlimited time alone with God. When God was doing a deep work on my heart, I found myself waking up at 4:30 a.m. on a regular basis and was able to spend 2+ hours every morning before work reading and studying God’s Word – pouring over it – as well as spend that time praying. Another gift of singleness is the ability to invest deeply in many friendships. Singleness provides the gift of time and opportunity to serve in many ways, in many places and for periods of time that may not be possible once married. An obvious gift of singleness is freedom – freedom of choices, of travel, with money and many others. In marriage, there is freedom as well, but it looks different. In marriage, you are free to love one person wholly, but sometimes, the freedom once enjoyed in singleness changes. The point is don’t waste the time you have and don’t put your life on hold while waiting for marriage or any longing to happen. Live your life now!

What did I learn about God in my long journey of singleness? I learned that He is faithful. Despite my anger and my tears, despite my feeling abandoned and forgotten, God was faithful and He never left me. He heard my bitter prayers, my softest cries and my quiet pleas. The verses I clung to became the song of my heart. As I look back over all those years of waiting and wanting, if I had them to do over again, I would have trusted God more and I would have been more faithful to Him, but thankfully, His grace is abundant.

“And now, for the rest of the story…” On November 12, 2011, in a beautiful chapel in Tennessee, a pastor pronounced us husband and wife. Less than 5 ½ months earlier, we had had our 2^nd date, a mere 25 years after our 1^st. I met my husband in college in 1986. He, a junior, was the lab assistant for my freshmen Chemistry class and he was actually my very 1^st date in college. However, we only had the one date. There was another woman present at the fraternity formal we attended that night. They had dated the semester prior and when she saw us together, she realized she only wanted him. They married after graduation, became the proud parents of two wonderful boys and were happily married for nearly 22 years. Sadly, however, she passed away after a long battle with cancer.

When my husband was ready to date, he remembered our date from 1986 and set out to find me and find me he did. The good news is that I was now FREE – free from the enslavement of my idol. I was free to love the boys’ mother and to honor her memory and celebrate her life, and I was free to love and embrace her family as well. I no longer had an idol that could be threatened or that I needed to protect. By God’s abundant grace and perfect timing, He has allowed me to become not only a wife, but the boys’ mother as well. “He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother. Praise the LORD!” (Psalm 113:9).

Survival Guide Top Tip: never, ever doubt that God is at work in your life. He will be found faithful.

Dear Friends,                                                                                                                             This one nailed me.  Yes, anything can become an idol to us.  God gives us many good things for which we can be grateful, but nothing should be put in place of God.  Let’s pray for God to reveal to us anything we need to let go of.                                                          Sara

Be Wary of Idols by Lane Williams Yoder

“Anything can become an ‘idol’ to us — that is, something we put in place of God.”
– Rev. Billy Graham (emphasis mine)

In Dr. Tim Keller’s book, Counterfeit Gods, he says, “An idol is whatever you look at and say, in your heart of hearts, ‘If I have that, then I’ll feel my life has meaning, then I’ll know I have value, then I’ll feel significant and secure.” For me, that was marriage and a husband. In my hearts of hearts, I would say to myself over and over the “if only’s” – “If only I had a husband, then I would know I’m worthy. If only I were married, then I would know I am valued. If only a man would love me enough to marry me, then I would know I am worthy of love.” Here’s the thing: it’s a fill in the blank answer for everyone to the question, “What are you looking to to save you?” If only I had money. If only I had career success. If only I had children. If I only were popular.

Marriage is a good thing, but in the words of Dr. Keller, it’s when we turn good things into ultimate things that we have a problem. Again, one of the verses to which I would regularly turn was Psalm 84:11b, “No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.” About that verse, the great biblical commentator, Matthew Henry, wrote, “This is…such an assurance of the present comfort of the saints that, whatever they desire, and think they need, they may be sure that either Infinite Wisdom sees it is not good for them or Infinite Goodness will give it to them in due time.” For me to love God and a husband in the right order, God had to remove the idol of marriage from my heart. It was a painful yet eternally necessary removal process and one I would not change for anything in the world. God must be the only one to sit on the throne of our heart so ask Him to show you if there are any idols He needs to remove.

Survival Guide Top Tip: be willing to let go of anything you put before God or in place of God.

Dear Friends,                                                                                                                       I want to be THAT friend.  Let’s pray that our eyes are open to the needs around us.            Sara

How can I help: advice to marrieds.

Some of the things I remember well about the journey of singleness were the things that well-meaning, married folks would say to me, things like “Why do you want to be married anyway? Men are messy and hard to live with.” There was the regular, “It’ll happen when you least expect it.” (Singles: raise your hand if you are tired of hearing that!) And I did, hand on my heart, have someone ask me once, “So, why aren’t you married? Is there something wrong with you?” All of these can be filed under the category of “Things NOT to say.”

So, what is the advice to married friends of single friends? How does a married person love well a single person?

• Be that person willing to just sit in the pain with your friend and listen. Some of the most comforting times for me where when my dearest friends would simply sit with me as I poured out my longing and my sadness and they didn’t try to fix it. They just listened and loved me and they were as heartbroken for me in my longing and in my waiting as I was for myself.
• Be sensitive to the things you discuss in groups. For some reason, right or wrong, group gatherings, even with dearest friends, were often painful for me because the conversation would inevitably turn to husbands and children – painful because it was a reminder of what I wanted, but didn’t have. I remember one gathering of friends when everyone brought their wedding albums to look at it. I felt very alone and isolated. One on one with each friend, I absolutely wanted to hear about their life, their marriage, their children, but being in the group was hard.
• Ask about their dating life and how things are going. Often, singles are relegated to conversations only about their career as if the topic of dating were taboo. But, it’s ok; ask how it’s going. Ask if there is anyone special. Ask what you can do to help. Those questions speak of hope.
• Pray with them and for them. Pray that they draw closer to God during this time; that their will would align with God’s will for them; and that God is preparing their heart and preparing the heart of the person He has planned for them, if that is His will.
• Let them know you are praying for them. I was most encouraged when friends would tell me they were praying for me because it was a message that they were coming alongside me and interceding before the Father for me.

Survival Guide Top Tip for marrieds:   be THAT friend – the one who prays and loves and cries together with your single friend.

Dear Friends,                                                                                                                       Over 28 years ago I read the allegory Lane refers to below .  I can tell you, it changed my life.  Lane’s words encourages me once again to take up the Sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God.                                                                                                                 Sara

Defense by Lane Williams Yoder

“Then Resentment would raise his head over another rock…he stared at her [Much-Afraid] boldly and shouted, ‘Who is this Shepherd you follow?’…Bitterness would then break in with his sneering voice…Self-pity would chime in next…he talked so softly and in such a pitying tone that Much-Afraid would feel weak all over.”
-From Hinds’ Feet on High Places, by Hannah Hurnard

Just like Much-Afraid from this classic Christian allegory, I was often visited by resentment, bitterness and self-pity while walking in singleness. Self-pity was my “favorite” because, even though self-pity is nothing but a downward spiral, it sometimes would feel good to just wallow in it like a pig wallows in filth. Self-pity is the voice that says, “No one is ever going to love you enough to want to marry you. You will never be worthy of marriage.”

I believed those words until I shared them with a dear friend who boldly asked me, “Who is telling you that?!” My friend explained that if what I hear starts with “you” and not “I”, then it is the voice of the Great Accuser and not the voice of our beloved Father in Heaven. God does not accuse. He redeems. God is not a God of self-pity or bitterness, but a God of eternal and boundless goodness, kindness, grace, mercy, understanding, compassion, tenderness and love. His voice doesn’t say, “You are not worthy of love.” His voice says that while we were sinners, Christ died for us and that proves His love for us (Romans 5:8).

“When she [Much-Afraid] thought of this [Self-Pity’s last remark], to Self-Pity’s dismayed astonishment, Much-Afraid actually picked up a piece of rock and hurled it at him, and as he said afterwards to the other[s], ‘If I hadn’t ducked and bolted like a hare, it could have laid me out altogether.”

            I learned to distinguish between the voice of the enemy and the voice of my Father and to recognize the fiery darts Satan would try to shoot at the place where I was weak – my singleness. I learned to call on my great Defender in those times and to not listen to the deceiving voice (James 4:7b – “Resist the devil and he will flee from you”). I would grab my one weapon of defense, “the sword of the Spirit which is the word of God” (Ephesians 6:17b). Like Much-Afraid threw the rock at Self-Pity, I would picture myself kicking self-pity off the edge of the mountain while shouting, “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1).

Survival Guide Top Tip: be prepared and ready to defend yourself against the enemy.

Friends,                                                                                                                            Enjoy Lane Williams Yoder’s continued story of the gift of singleness.  I know it will be an encouragement to you as it has been to me.  The lessons below are applicable to all types of struggles.                                                                                                                      Sara

Encouragement by Lane Williams Yoder

On that cold morning, while I didn’t realize it at the time, Jesus was becoming not only my Savior, but also the Lord of my life. I regard that time as a 2^nd testimony. Through gritted teeth and bitter breath, I was being molded by God into who I was meant to be. Over time, I continued to thank God for my singleness and slowly that prayer became less angry, less bitter. Then, one day, a few years later, I realized my eyes had been opened to the joy – yes, joy – of singleness and I began to embrace with delight this status. He is the potter and we are the clay. Was it always easy? No. Were there times of deep sadness and suffering in the longings and desires of my heart? Yes. The Bible says “hope deferred makes the heart sick” (Proverbs 13:12a), but joy is possible. So, how did I get there?

• I began to read and study God’s Word. Although I had been a Christian since I was 14 years old, I was now an adult and admittedly, I had never read the Bible from beginning to end. And on that subject, let me say it is NEVER too late to read God’s Word. For many of us who were raised in the church, there is almost a shame to admit we have reached adulthood and have never read the Bible. We have to get over that and pick up the Bible and start reading it – today.
• I memorized verses I could cling to and in times of doubt, when I felt God had forgotten me, I would say those verses over and over, verses like:
  Psalm 37:4 “Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”
  Psalm 84:11b “No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.”
  Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for good and not evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
• I had friends who would sit with me in the pain. Friends who wouldn’t try to fix things or give me false assurances, but friends who would point me to the Cross for my true assurance.
• By God’s grace, I found the courage to pray a prayer of surrender: “give me or withhold from me whatever you chose”, a prayer I heard in a sermon by Dr. Tim Keller. Was that a hard prayer to pray? Absolutely. Were the moments of surrender fleeting? Certainly. However, God, in His abundant goodness and kindness, took my weak faith and provided for me after He became the true love of my soul, my true eternal spouse, the one above whom I will place no man. God didn’t change. I did.

Survival Guide Top Tip: find that one verse to which you can cling and memorize it.